tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-87222035877781344912024-02-07T20:54:22.514-06:00Pureed Green Beans & WhiskeyParenting and Drinking. In that order. Most of the time.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04520739784791576184noreply@blogger.comBlogger47125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8722203587778134491.post-20745482765067135592015-11-27T00:36:00.001-06:002015-11-27T00:36:23.683-06:00Thankful<div class="MsoNormal">
Ah, Thanksgiving. The day I’m most embarrassed by what an ungrateful
piece of shit I am most of the time. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have a wife that’s too pretty to be with me, but pout because
I want her to be more enthusiastic about having sex with me – which she does
regularly despite how unfulfilling it is for her. Imagine you live in a shitty
studio apartment and you ask Michelangelo to paint the ceiling, AND HE ACTUALLY
DOES. Anyone with an ounce of decency would think, “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Holy shit, Michelangelo could paint anywhere, but he’s painting MY
little ceiling? How lucky am I?</i>” not, “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Why
am I</i> <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">the one who always has to
initiate the painting?</i>”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have two incredible children – ages three and one – and I
love them more than anything in the world, but get frustrated because even
after hours of playing they want more attention from me instead of entertaining
themselves for a while so I can tweet about bullshit.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have a job that isn’t difficult and pays more than I
deserve to make, but I come home every single day and complain because it is
creatively unsatisfying and I don’t feel like I’m contributing to the world.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Today, my wife and children and I were unable to spend
Thanksgiving with our family, but were invited by our close friends to have
dinner with their family. It was fantastic. Better than I deserve. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Have you ever caught yourself complaining about a life that
is so much better than you ever believed it would be? I have an amazing spouse,
wonderful children, a good job, and generous friends. I don’t deserve it. And I
don’t mean that in a humble, ‘aw shucks’ sort of way. I did nearly everything
in my power as a young man to die alone and well before my time.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Many people who battle addiction and alcohol abuse don’t get
the help or the second chances they so badly need. Many people who suffer from
depression aren’t lucky enough to find a partner who sees through it and hangs
in there when it isn’t pretty.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m not a man of great faith, which is strange because I’ve
received the grace many do not. I struggle with that. I struggle with
understanding what led me to have so much, and maybe that’s why I struggle with
accepting that I do. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am thankful. For whatever combination of great family,
white privilege, and dumb luck led me to second, third, and fourth chances when
so many never get a chance at all. I am thankful for my family, my job, and my
friends.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
I am thankful that tomorrow I get another chance to be a
better man.<o:p></o:p></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04520739784791576184noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8722203587778134491.post-45958370334801439132014-10-12T07:33:00.000-05:002015-04-03T08:09:23.463-05:00Outside The Box<div class="MsoNormal">
Before taking our newborn baby home from the hospital, we attend an information session for new parents. The head nurse
of Labor & Delivery – a petit woman in her early forties – speaks directly
to the mothers, though some information is clearly aimed at fathers as well. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">“Ladies, for six
weeks, nothing goes in your box.” In case we are fuzzy on the definition of
nothing, she rattles off a list of things that could reasonably be placed in
one’s box. “No penis, no tampon, no douche, nothing. I mean it.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">“Sleep!” </span></i><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">she follows with misplaced enthusiasm. “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">This is where dad’s ears perk up</i>, right?”<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i>I don’t correct her, but in the paraphrased words of Renee
Zellweger in the climactic scene of Jerry Maguire, she had me at “nothing goes
in your box.”<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Six weeks is enough
time to draft a novel, lose three pants sizes, or learn the foundation of a
foreign language. I suspect it will also be enough time to go batshit when denied
my favorite recreational outlet.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Week 1</span></b><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">. Summer had a C-section, so most of our first week is spent in the
hospital. The image of my son being pulled from a gaping whole in my wife’s
stomach is burned in my mind. A miracle, sure, but not exactly a turn-on. The pullout
couch in the cold hospital room is like sleeping on a pile of rocks in a
walk-in freezer. So we’ve both been emotionally and physically tested. And only
one of us got killer pain meds. One week of celibacy is in the books. Piece of cake.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Week 2. </span></b><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Summer’s pain fades and her enthusiasm and energy are back. The woman of
my dreams has never looked better. Motherhood adds a unique grace to her
already amazing personality. Also, her boobs are humungous and I am not allowed
anywhere near them. How long has it been? Just two weeks?!?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Week 3. </span></b><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Summer was in a wedding less than 21 days after giving birth. It’s hard
to appreciate how insane that is if you haven’t been through childbirth. She spends
the week thinking out loud about her appearance. “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Ugh, I am so fat. Nothing fits. This is seriously the most pale I’ve
ever been in my life</i>.” She doesn’t know how beautiful she is. I
tell her repeatedly, but she thinks the lack of sex has made me overly
complimentary. That's not it. Her hotness is effortless</span>. She rolls out of bed looking beautiful. We spend so much time in
sweatpants, I actually forget how stunning she is when she is all done up. It
nearly takes my breath away when I see her at the wedding.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">For the next week, I
find myself enamored by Summer the way I was when we started dating. I wonder how
long it’s been since I looked at her this way. I wonder if she feels that too.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Week 4. </span></b><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Summer calls me at the office<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">.</i>
She just left a check-up with the lady parts doctor to make sure everything was
healing appropriately. </span><br />
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">“<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">He said I can
start exercising…and having sex.”</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">“<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Already? That’s…nice</i>.” If I weren’t sitting
amongst co-workers, it would have sounded more like, “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Start undressing, I’m quitting this shitty job right now and I’ll home
in 22 minutes</i>.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">I don’t quit my job.
I sit at my desk for another three hours, doing a pretty spectacular impression
of someone not daydreaming about sex. On my drive home, my mind races despite
the distribution of blood to another organ. My excitement, among other things,
came back down to Earth when I remember we have two children, one of whom I
need to pick up from daycare.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">I walk into the house
and three typically chaotic hours follow. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Feed
the baby, chase the toddler, change the baby, make dinner, do the dishes, build
a Lego tower, feed the baby, give baths, brush teeth, change the baby, read a
bedtime story, read it again, one more time for good measure, and feed the baby</i>. </span><br />
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">When both boys were finally asleep, I walk up to Summer, put my arms around her
waist, and kissed her neck. </span><br />
<br />
“<i>Baby…I’m exhausted</i>,” she says. “<i>Do you hate me</i>?”<br />
<br />
Eh, what's another day?</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04520739784791576184noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8722203587778134491.post-85663343933318681222014-08-28T03:55:00.000-05:002014-08-28T03:55:59.044-05:00Cooper<div class="MsoNormal">
For nine months leading up to the birth of our first child,
I obsessed over the unknown. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Who will he
look like? Will he inherit his mother's kindness? Will he inherit my insecurity, and if he does, will I be able to help
him handle it? Am I really cut out to be someone’s dad?</i><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Witnessing my son’s birth was like being grabbed by an
invisible hand before carelessly walking into a busy intersection. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Pay attention. Keep your eyes up. You matter</i>.
The moment I laid eyes on Gabe and heard his first cries, I knew my purpose in
life. I started looking both ways.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNN63M1xwDG10j5KtJZGRcKme-2A_L6HLKneqnoU7X2ftWwjau0ATlGRLQHtmIaYg5bEihTwLCF5kNEisBL0GYGtWEZyhgK29fSRR5UsOWGu2VIrP5Z69AvUu3oVAFtxBrgT7FKjSc23De/s1600/IMG_1874.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNN63M1xwDG10j5KtJZGRcKme-2A_L6HLKneqnoU7X2ftWwjau0ATlGRLQHtmIaYg5bEihTwLCF5kNEisBL0GYGtWEZyhgK29fSRR5UsOWGu2VIrP5Z69AvUu3oVAFtxBrgT7FKjSc23De/s1600/IMG_1874.jpg" height="320" width="239" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"It's going to be OK."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The second pregnancy was different. I didn’t obsess over it.
I knew how to be a dad. I knew the struggles and the rewards. It was more
operational. That worried me.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
People love a leap of faith, but mostly retroactively.
Arriving at the hospital Tuesday morning, hoping to feel an equally strong
connection with our second child after a relatively melancholy pregnancy made me nervous. When Gabe was born, I cried my eyes out. Sitting next to my wife in the
delivery room, I hoped the child we were about to meet would generate the same
response. Anything less would seem unfair to him.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At 12:07 p.m. I heard Cooper’s first cries. It didn’t hit me
the way it did with Gabe. It was different.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There were tears of joy when I met Cooper, but like
everything in my life, they were more controlled than when Gabe was born. I no longer walk carelessly into traffic. I am a better man,
confident in my ability to raise these boys to one day be good men. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When the nurse wrapped Cooper in a blanket and handed him to
me, his crying began to calm as I softly whispered, “It’s going to be OK. Daddy’s
got you.” And with those words, calmness washed over me as well.</div>
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<!--StartFragment-->
<!--EndFragment--><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I love being a dad. I love leaps of faith. And I am
absolutely in love with Cooper Lee Friis.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAbICd8dgH_FvYgOBqS5Eg7N-y3h6pxhT2yKset9TIWJ568rJ5A_kkjAi-j1hp9Iuqa5bhbt_MGERL_qtj8fKzDGQnKNG68L3uYxHhBIgiUXKqrTIoFz53EaeDfsqvL9JVqS-zLrACvEfH/s1600/IMG_1881.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAbICd8dgH_FvYgOBqS5Eg7N-y3h6pxhT2yKset9TIWJ568rJ5A_kkjAi-j1hp9Iuqa5bhbt_MGERL_qtj8fKzDGQnKNG68L3uYxHhBIgiUXKqrTIoFz53EaeDfsqvL9JVqS-zLrACvEfH/s1600/IMG_1881.JPG" height="320" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
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<br /></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04520739784791576184noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8722203587778134491.post-67866223234887342552014-08-16T01:31:00.001-05:002014-08-16T15:07:12.383-05:00The Generosity of Strangers<div class="MsoNormal">
My son was eight months old the first time I took him on an
airplane. He threw a massive fit during the 20-minute descent, but the people
around us were remarkably kind. Everyone was sympathetic to my wife and I, and
especially to Gabe. I was inspired.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I recently shared a theory with some co-workers: “the world would be a better place if we treated everyone like they're traveling with a young child.” A co-worker who was clearly not moved said, “I’ve got the perfect solution – two types of planes, one for
people with kids, one for people without.”<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizKbAwjECM2GM19h9svpnNjtwWnByNnxisrOcDl_1u4UtqaJKep70myUJnJrLhkMN4TmOYqROqIRUzNV9lmJkBqs3pmG6PIpqrWPMWQfMuJ9uMLqlgV8HNCLLSI8-YiXoODsnQFkZPHacB/s1600/airplane.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizKbAwjECM2GM19h9svpnNjtwWnByNnxisrOcDl_1u4UtqaJKep70myUJnJrLhkMN4TmOYqROqIRUzNV9lmJkBqs3pmG6PIpqrWPMWQfMuJ9uMLqlgV8HNCLLSI8-YiXoODsnQFkZPHacB/s1600/airplane.JPG" height="213" width="320" /></a></div>
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
His idea was popular among the largely
childless group, which did not give me a ton of confidence as my
son and I prepared to fly to Iowa to visit relatives. Maybe I’d
gotten lucky the first time and people are not fundamentally generous and
understanding just because you have a child.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We ran into a highway closure on our way to DFW Airport,
which caused us to arrive less than 30 minutes before takeoff. I
hustled in, carrying a large duffle bag, a car seat, two carry-on bags, and my
son. I had our boarding passes on my phone, but we were too late to check bags,
so I had to lug everything through security. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
With 20 minutes until takeoff, we took our place in line –
about 40 people deep. I called my wife to tell her we were not going to make
that flight. The next one to our rural Iowa destination was scheduled to
leave seven hours later.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The only thing I hate more than being late and asking for
help is being stuck in an airport for 8 hours with a
two-year-old. I asked an airport employee watching over the line if there was
anything he could do for me. He allowed me to use Priority Boarding, which was
nice of him, but there were still ten people ahead of us in this shorter, but
equally slow-moving line.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A man in his forties, traveling alone, was directly in front
of us. He sensed my uneasiness because I am horrible at hiding negative emotion, especially when I am carrying an apartment worth of
stuff and a little human. He asked when my flight left. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Less than 20 minutes,” I said.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Go ahead of me,” he said.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That set off a chain reaction, and every single person in
line let us cut. Thanks to the generosity of strangers all we had to do was
make it through security and run like hell. I hurried to put my shoes back on
and collect our bags, then picked up Gabe and hauled ass through the airport.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When a two-year-old mocks your heavy breathing as you
run through an airport, there is a good chance you are not in peak physical condition. It
was like Fat Dad CrossFit, and I was fading. That’s when another man in his
forties, traveling alone, asked me which gate I was heading to.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“B32,” I said.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“B34 – let me take the car seat,” he said.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Are you sure?” I asked.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I barely finished the question before he nodded, grabbed the
car seat, and power-walked the remaining six gates alongside Gabe and I. At the
gate he dropped off the car seat, and I tried to thank him as sincerely as I
could while being told to hurry onto the plane.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“No problem," he said. "I’ve been there.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If we had separate flights for people with kids, most of the
people on our flight wouldn’t have seen what a perfect little
traveler Gabe has become. And I wouldn’t have been able to receive the kindness and
generosity of total strangers with nothing to gain.</div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
My theory holds.<o:p></o:p></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04520739784791576184noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8722203587778134491.post-90298891343755055002014-07-06T23:59:00.001-05:002014-07-25T23:13:40.731-05:00Let Freedom Ring<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s the Fourth of July. My wife and I look up, awestruck at
the production. It’s majestic and grand, no doubt, but also uniquely personal,
like we’re the only two people who truly feel the magnitude of each boom.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhct6wF2Z2ccbrYcemOYXxPcjNi9GzafU_lYLPMqTbUSlw7DN0vHhQsfz7uE2_hn6PWH-gD29gchtPadGZK56CrQ5JtSWK_1yyWZRgDccL4YLCrzbvmciJjfYcoqYi1QNNDWVLSGRfYrNzf/s1600/NYfireworks.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhct6wF2Z2ccbrYcemOYXxPcjNi9GzafU_lYLPMqTbUSlw7DN0vHhQsfz7uE2_hn6PWH-gD29gchtPadGZK56CrQ5JtSWK_1yyWZRgDccL4YLCrzbvmciJjfYcoqYi1QNNDWVLSGRfYrNzf/s1600/NYfireworks.jpg" height="184" width="200" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“If the Cubs ever win the World Series,” I say, tears
welling up in my 32 year-old eyes, “I think it will feel just like this.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
With one hand still gripping my son’s midsection, I raise
the other over my head in a fist and pump it in appreciation, because here, in
my uncle’s bathroom, amidst the sounds of a mid-afternoon pool party, my
two-year-old son has finally pooped in the potty. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Independence Day, indeed.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Aside from working as a bouncer at a college bar, parenting may be the only opportunity to look someone square in the eye as they shit their pants
while you physically remove them from a party. But as a parent, you have to let
the belligerent patron back into the party, and repeat the exercise several
times a day, for several consecutive days.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There are countless joys associated with parenthood. The
long and winding road of potty training is not one of them, but receiving an
emotional shot in the arm from seemingly trivial things certainly is.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There are times I miss the ways
we used to celebrate Independence Day. Pleading with a toddler to use the
toilet at a friend’s house while people swim and grill and drink and laugh is a sobering experience. But there is no buzz like watching your child’s eyes light
up as they figure out something that has eluded them. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Yes, I felt like a psycho walking around the house clapping
intermittently until the adrenaline of a two-year-old pooping somewhere other
than his pants or the bathtub wore off. But, hey, that’s the game.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<!--StartFragment-->
<!--EndFragment--><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
If there is one thing Cubs fans and parents know, it’s that
even when life isn’t sexy, you can have a lot of fun celebrating the little
shit.<o:p></o:p></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04520739784791576184noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8722203587778134491.post-86988689173917194572014-07-05T00:28:00.001-05:002014-07-05T00:30:53.736-05:00The Best Place in the World“Iowa is the best place in the world…to be from.”<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That’s how I described my home state when I moved to Dallas
five years ago. It was a passive-aggressive statement meaning, “I had a nice
upbringing, but man am I glad to be out of there!”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Everyone is from somewhere. Our relationships with our
hometowns can be as complicated as any in our lives. The more you embarrass
yourself in one town, the smaller that town feels. My already small town kept
shrinking as I fumbled my way through the front half of my twenties. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At 26, I received the kind of grace boys without direction
or confidence should be so lucky to receive. I met a girl who believed I was
worth loving. I didn’t know why she wanted to be with me, but I did everything
in my power to be the kind of person who deserved to be with her. And things
turned around. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A year into our relationship, we left Iowa to seek
opportunities a big market could provide. I never stopped to consider whether I
was running toward my ambitions or away from the places and people who knew my
failures. It was a both. I left Iowa fueled by equal parts ambition and shame.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In Dallas, we established a life together. We made great
friends, grew our careers, and finally our family. I had grown as a person, but
was still insecure and felt like a fraud. In my mind, people from my hometown knew
what a screw-up I really was.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So I distanced myself, first with miles of physical distance
then miles of emotional distance. I buried the earliest pieces of my personal
journey out of fear.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In April, I decided to take a giant leap out of my comfort
zone and read a personal essay about a key piece of that journey in a Dallas
storytelling showcase called <a href="http://oralfixationshow.com/">Oral
Fixation</a>. Standing in front of more than 300 people and delivering a
personal story was cathartic, even a little fun. It helped that all but four of
those audience members were total strangers.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Last week, the video of my reading was posted online. I
shared it with friends and family, hoping a few family members would watch it
and enjoy what they saw. I was blown away when, almost immediately, my old
friends and classmates started sharing the video with incredible words of
encouragement and praise. I practically walked on air as people I hadn’t spoken
to in years told me they were proud of me.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This isn’t a story about my journey or the man I’ve become.
It’s about the power of owning your personal story and sharing it with others.
Our stories connect us to the places we’re from. No matter where this life
takes me, I am always going to be Blake Friis from West Branch, Iowa.</div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
And, for me, that’s the best place in the world to be from.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="270" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/lwxvJ-VV-DE" width="480"></iframe>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04520739784791576184noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8722203587778134491.post-37322846642687175702014-02-19T00:08:00.002-06:002014-02-19T00:08:57.264-06:00The Sequel<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXfDdA3sAMMYls7bnzZKQf433yldDO3tr9V59WBO410NBNEvgcxx8Bv7FrYt4Ub0aI2dCBFSkJnDH6UkB68Bwr59pf7oq0HHMGCub-djDvbpVhzX_pyIve2hNPM7a0wm9khu2-wjVNrhVc/s1600/Big+Brother+1.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXfDdA3sAMMYls7bnzZKQf433yldDO3tr9V59WBO410NBNEvgcxx8Bv7FrYt4Ub0aI2dCBFSkJnDH6UkB68Bwr59pf7oq0HHMGCub-djDvbpVhzX_pyIve2hNPM7a0wm9khu2-wjVNrhVc/s1600/Big+Brother+1.JPG" height="212" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Coming August of 2014</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04520739784791576184noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8722203587778134491.post-83023862610810763692013-08-30T01:20:00.001-05:002014-01-27T00:18:51.785-06:00Visiting Grandma Sue<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">I stood over my mother’s
grave, holding my son and looking down while tears collected in my sunglasses. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When my thoughts failed to become words, I set Gabe down. He walked away and attempted to
steal a balloon from a dead stranger. This was not the way I envisioned introducing
my child to his grandmother.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">I’m uncomfortable visiting my
mother’s grave, and have only done so a handful of times in the 18 years since
she passed. That is a long time to carry on a one-sided conversation, but I
kneel and speak a few short awkward sentences, because beneath almost two
decades of scar tissue, part of me is still the heartbroken 13 year-old who
needs her to hear, even if the 31 year-old me feels ridiculous.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">For years after my mother’s
suicide, I blamed myself for not doing more to ease the pain she carried around. I would have given anything for the opportunity to go back and live with her, even if it meant leaving my friends to transfer to the school in her town. No matter what else was going on in her mind, if I would
have done that, she might be here today. I still believe that. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">But I would no longer give
anything for the opportunity to go back and do it differently. I wouldn’t trade
today or any of the days I have left to change the past. Not because
I’m pissed or because I’m over her death – I'm not. It's because giving up
one day of being the father I am would break my heart more than the baggage I
carry over all the days my mother gave up.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">So here we are - my wife and
I – left to decide the appropriate strategy for teaching our son about the
grandmother he’ll never meet. If you take your child to the resting place of a
loved one, you want them to understand the meaning and remember it when they’re
older. It’s like the shittiest possible version of planning a trip to Disney World.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">I made the decision to stop at the cemetery, even though our son is too
young for it to be impactful. I didn’t have the slightest idea how to introduce a
toddler to the idea of a woman I only kind of understand myself, but figured
the words would come.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">With the exception of “No, that’s not your balloon,” in a raspy voice through muffled tears, the
words did not come. My wife did her best to take the lead, managing, “this is
where your grandma is,” before the moment proved easier to strategize than
deliver. She decided to take our son back to the car and give me a couple minutes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">I kneeled down.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">“I’m trying...”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">“We’ll be back...”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">“I really hope you can see
him.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">When I got back to the car, I
wiped my eyes and sighed that exaggerated sigh guys do when they want to move
forward from an emotional moment without talking about it. As I put the car in
gear, I told my wife these trips would get easier.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">“I doubt it.”</span><br />
<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">Me too.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04520739784791576184noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8722203587778134491.post-30958207771391186282013-06-05T01:05:00.000-05:002014-02-07T00:14:35.879-06:00The HangoverI think most of us had the same reaction when we saw the trailer for the latest installment of The Hangover: <i>please stop</i>. That was also the message I shared with Gabe, as he screamed and banged on doors while I cried and vomited my way through latest installment of My Hangover.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I caught a glimpse of a disheveled, possibly-homeless, man in the bathroom mirror that day. I recognized those eyes. I'd seen this fellow years earlier, but he'd since gained weight, and looked much older. There was a child yelling through the bathroom door, as though he couldn't tell this man had been drinking craft beer until 2AM that morning. The broken man in the mirror believed the child was being a bit of an asshole. Where are this kid's parents, he thought.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I immediately started thinking of ways to help this poor bastard get back on his feet. I would start with a razor. From there we would sit down and come up with a comprehensive diet and exercise plan. Something told me this guy had recently gorged himself on skillet queso and cajun pasta at Chili's. It was palpable, really. You could almost taste it.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
This was turning out to be a bigger job than I intended, so I thought it best to take a nap before we got started. When I woke up, that sad sack was nowhere to be found. Just the child who seemed so inconsolable earlier, happily playing with his mother, who I know had a lot of studying she should have been doing instead. She must have taken it upon herself to get rid of that smelly freeloader while I was sleeping. And now here she was looking after our son. What a great girl. I decided to let her get back to work and gave Gabe a bath.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
After I cleaned him up, I sat back and watched Gabe play in the tub for a while. He was having the time of his life when things seemed to change suddenly. Without warning, it was almost as though he'd played too hard. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
He shit in the bathtub and looked at me with a blank expression. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I recognized those eyes.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Oh no.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04520739784791576184noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8722203587778134491.post-3472839514204589582013-02-20T01:50:00.002-06:002013-02-20T07:19:34.456-06:00Mary Louise Cratty 1926-2013<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
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My wife was not particularly fond of me after one month of
courtship. Her intention was to dump me and move on, but her mother didn’t know
that and pressured Summer into bringing me to meet them at a local dealership
where she was looking at a vehicle with her husband and mother.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Despite the fact Summer's father is built like a brick shithouse
and her mother has the ability to size people up in a nanosecond, I was comfortable
meeting her parents. Her grandmother was another story.<br />
<br />
Grandparents don't sugarcoat their true feelings and it doesn’t take much to offend them. I was told her
grandmother immediately disliked her previous boyfriend and her disapproval
never wavered. I was sure I would be confronted by a weathered old broad who tries to smoke on airplanes and intentionally runs any stop sign that went up in her
hometown after 1972.</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Instead, what I saw at the dealership was an adorable
unassuming woman strolling around the lot with light bouncing off the colorful
jewels on her jacket, wondering aloud what she might look like cruising around
town in a yellow VW Beetle. I loved her instantly.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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I didn’t get dumped after all. I am sure her family’s
seal of approval, including her grandmother's, had something to do with that.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was blessed to share more than four
years worth of experiences with Summer's grandmother. I watched an intoxicated woman excitedly lifted her off the casino floor
at Excalibur in Las Vegas. I sat in my in-laws kitchen and listened to her give
a spot-on breakdown of a Boston Celtics game when I didn’t think she even knew
it was basketball season. While my in-laws were on vacation, we popped over to
help with a few chores and I was delighted to learn the annoying ducks in her garage were purchased by Jerry “at the hillbilly
auction.”<o:p></o:p><br />
<br /></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWH2HlNzQY53GkrHAiSoC03vhEXSR4QPE0BQ31dp5-B6wUqdyTDPvqVObTcpOtpFDK3pvuE3Rr4ih48_B2DRVZkN5-MzKgAiOLK4R0ReWO2ENjnwX36uXilVW5HIWZoaZ9HRfaH_Y-uOTi/s1600/Gma+Cratty+Vegas.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWH2HlNzQY53GkrHAiSoC03vhEXSR4QPE0BQ31dp5-B6wUqdyTDPvqVObTcpOtpFDK3pvuE3Rr4ih48_B2DRVZkN5-MzKgAiOLK4R0ReWO2ENjnwX36uXilVW5HIWZoaZ9HRfaH_Y-uOTi/s320/Gma+Cratty+Vegas.JPG" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Summer, Seth, and Mary Louise in VEGAS!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We sometimes take these moments for granted. We assume each
passing year will give way to another fresh slate on which we’ll write new
stories. When you go to a car dealership hoping to win the favor of an elderly
woman whose granddaughter may dump you within the week, you don’t take anything
for granted. You appreciate each moment and hope it’s not the last you get to
be a part of. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I love being part of my wife’s family for more reasons than
I can count. One of them was getting to know her
grandmother. Now, like the rest of her amazing family, I will tell the
stories and enjoy the memories.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And I’ll smile every time I see a yellow VW Beetle,
hopefully on it’s way to pick up ducks at the hillbilly auction.<o:p></o:p></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04520739784791576184noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8722203587778134491.post-55520342952900534502013-02-18T00:20:00.000-06:002013-02-18T00:20:41.352-06:00Tom Arnold is the Coolest
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<br />
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There were two distinctly Iowan qualities in the
woman behind the ticket counter at the Cedar Rapids airport Sunday morning;
Midwestern friendliness and an enthusiasm for Tom Arnold. The man most famous
to the majority of the country for his marriage and divorce from Rosanne Barr
is revered in his home state. Iowans are like that; you stay loyal to them,
they’ll stay loyal to you.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“There’s a celebrity on your flight!” said the woman,
clearly excited to share the news.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Despite my Dallas-residing, too cool for school attitude,
the Iowan in me was intrigued.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I walked toward security thinking, 1) I can’t imagine Tom
Arnold appreciates airline employees alerting travelers of his presence, given
the inclination of star-struck rubes to hassle people they recognize from
television, and 2) my folks need to wrap up good-byes with their grandson ASAP, I gotta go find Tom Arnold!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Many people, especially from rural areas, approach celebrities for pictures and autographs. I do not.
By leaving them alone I obey an unspoken code usually broken by those who rarely see celebrities in person. I used to work at a television
station in Dallas and once shoulder bumped a diminutive fellow who turned out
to be Richard Marx. Clearly, I can handle myself in the presence of megastars.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
On this occasion, I was traveling with my 10 month-old son, meaning there was
a good chance I would ruin Tom Arnold’s flight. To acknowledge the situation
without breaking the code, I felt it appropriate to tweet him a hassle-free preemptive
apology:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtIHGVxmbHyXD84YAtojQqEoN2YFmyYbXMeDO4QsTzg3PZ-B6gA2_j4fPoRd9_rH_A88ixRMPGciJzWSa2yY88bUNfDdjwyN6sUAHwZ_Oiy8eexntqjee0j0mPeSuAi_3_hQPrrxw5FbeF/s1600/IMG_1076.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="109" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtIHGVxmbHyXD84YAtojQqEoN2YFmyYbXMeDO4QsTzg3PZ-B6gA2_j4fPoRd9_rH_A88ixRMPGciJzWSa2yY88bUNfDdjwyN6sUAHwZ_Oiy8eexntqjee0j0mPeSuAi_3_hQPrrxw5FbeF/s320/IMG_1076.PNG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To my surprise and the pleasure of those seated around me,
Gabe was a perfect little traveler. Over the two-hour flight, he didn’t have a
single outburst. When he exited the plane, Tom (we’re on a first name basis)
looked at Gabe, smiled and said, “Hey, Buddy!”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I had to admit it was a pretty neat interaction to tell
people about. My Iowa friends would get a kick out of it. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then on the way home, I received this reply to my pre-flight
tweet:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcrZ2Olk7JaqYavcCjWjXoFTlv-5zDHMR6sjOYzmaSCDBxvnamYHpEDSUTbpKdWf8y5S_UXKpLbewfeHb1biPsuVXmVTT-_0sl7vRuOm9fFzuDr7ioxCxvHW0Yh6rpbVHxUHBDEbcCWqBS/s1600/IMG_1073.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="70" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcrZ2Olk7JaqYavcCjWjXoFTlv-5zDHMR6sjOYzmaSCDBxvnamYHpEDSUTbpKdWf8y5S_UXKpLbewfeHb1biPsuVXmVTT-_0sl7vRuOm9fFzuDr7ioxCxvHW0Yh6rpbVHxUHBDEbcCWqBS/s320/IMG_1073.PNG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Tom Arnold is the coolest. And not just because I’m from
Iowa.<o:p></o:p></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04520739784791576184noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8722203587778134491.post-78348133180011307412013-02-11T08:56:00.000-06:002014-07-06T21:42:42.084-05:00Flexible Traffic Laws for BabiesIt doesn’t matter what you do for a living or how often you go to church, if you walk into a courthouse for any reason other than a 7<span style="font-size: x-small;">th</span> grade field trip, you are a criminal receiving your comeuppance, and the people who work there treat you as such.<br />
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</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
<!--EndFragment--><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I attempt to be as friendly as possible when paying fines. It’s my way of saying, “I’m a good person with a lot to offer, and despite the six cat-related trinkets on the desk behind you, I’m sure you are too. There’s no reason for this to be unpleasant.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I don’t blame the cat ladies for emotionally boxing out my friendliness. If people have to walk through a metal detector to interact with you at your job, and you don’t work behind the controls of a 747, chances are you run across a lot of shitheads.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Until my most recent speeding ticket, I had given up on ever having a pleasant experience in a municipal courthouse. Then I walked in with a baby.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Some people thought it was a little shallow and off-putting when I referred to my dear child as a <a href="http://greenbeansandwhiskey.blogspot.com/2013/01/the-best-accessory.html">great fashion accessory</a>. Raising babies is hard work. The sleep you’re accustomed to is virtually non-existent, intimate moments with your spouse are tougher than ever to come by, and at some point you are going to walk around in public with actual human shit on your clothes. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After all that, I am supposed to feel guilty about using my son as an emotional shield? I think not.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
People love babies and if you're in public with one who is behaving, they will think you’re swell too. I don’t advocate lugging a toddler into the back room of a nightclub to discuss an extension on overdue gambling debts, but if you need to wiggle out of a petty traffic violation and don’t shamelessly flaunt your baby, you are under-utilizing your greatest resource.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My son even managed to charm the security guards, who are typically too drunk with perceived power to smile. My belt buckle triggered the alarm, causing one of the guards to scan us with the wand. When he ran it over the arm holding my son, Gabe took a swipe at it. This inspired me to joke about using my baby to sneak in a gun. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Rule of thumb: don’t attempt to get a laugh out of security guards in government buildings by suggesting you have a firearm...unless you’re holding an adorable baby. If a random law breaker made the ill-timed joke, the would-be comedian may have earned a cavity search. But from the father of a baby, a little gun joke goes over like gangbusters.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
From there it was on to the dreaded feline enthusiast with the rubber stamps.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Before I said a word, I was treated to a story about her daughter whose twins were born at 8lbs each. Since this was already the best interaction I’ve ever had with someone through bulletproof glass, I stopped myself from wondering out loud what havoc that must have wreaked on her daughter’s poor vagina. Instead, I said my preferred method of parenting is one-at-a-time. She enthusiastically agreed.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I finally handed her my ticket, she offered a money-saving resolution.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“<em>Honey, you don’t need to pay this fine. I’m going to give you an extension and you just go ahead and register the vehicle when you can</em>.”<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The world would be a friendlier place if everyone were treated like a happy 10 month-old, but until this dream becomes a reality I highly recommend new parents use their babies to shield criticism as often as possible. <!--EndFragment--></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04520739784791576184noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8722203587778134491.post-26113781326015738662013-01-30T07:04:00.001-06:002013-01-31T15:57:17.220-06:00Back to Work<!--StartFragment--><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<h4>
<span style="color: blue;">By Blake Friis</span></h4>
<br />
Tomorrow morning I will go to work. Under normal circumstances there would be nothing special about that statement, but there was nothing normal about the circumstances under which I was fired three weeks ago.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
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I was driving home, an easy residential drive I count among the many perks of my job, when I received a call from one of our HR representatives. She asked if she had “caught me at a good time”. I would later find that an interesting lead-in when calling to fire someone. I told her I was driving home, and she insisted we speak when I got home because she doesn’t like distracting people as they drive. As the father of a 9 month-old, the car is actually the best place to secure my undivided attention, but she was adamant we speak after I arrived home. There is no “good time” to receive news someone refuses to share while you’re driving.<o:p></o:p></div>
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It is difficult to describe the feeling of being fired from the job you love, over the phone, 45 seconds before walking into the house. It leaves you with no time to digest the news, search for a silver lining, and contemplate the best way to break the news to your wife. Instead you are left to shuffle through the kitchen, into the living room where your wife is ready to hand you a smiling baby, and drool the words down the front of a button-down shirt about to hibernate in the closet until further notice. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>I just…lost…my job.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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<br /></div>
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It’s devastating to be in that position. It’s especially difficult when you have no answer to the obvious question that follows. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i>What happened?!?<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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Actually, I had an incomplete answer. I failed a background check. I wasn’t sure how, but I had a hunch. An hour later I received an e-mail that confirmed my suspicion. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Seven years ago I was the victim of identity theft. The crimes flagged on the background check were committed by the person who stole my identity and was subsequently arrested posing as me. The events are still associated with me because my name is connected to the perpetrator as one of his known aliases. I guess this is a common practice if you have your identity stolen by your brother.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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To my employer’s credit, they held a position for me pending a favorable result to a dispute filed over the results of the background check. The ensuing investigation cleared my name after two painstaking weeks. Two weeks is a long time for a husband and father to sit in a holding pattern, void of income, with the increasing weight of a mortgage bearing down on him.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s most important to count your blessings in the moments when it’s difficult to focus on anything but the struggles in front of you.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The healing power of family was on display every second of those two nerve-racking weeks. Despite the disappointment I may have to find a new job, and the awareness that bills need to be paid regardless of how hurt my feeling are, we managed to make the best of a bad situation. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Once the appeal was filed and the supporting documentation was sent to the appropriate parties, we took some time to enjoy being a family with free time, regardless the cause. We ate meals together, took long walks around the neighborhood, and tackled projects we may never have started otherwise. Above all else, we sat on the living room floor and played with our son. Not in shifts, together.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m in no hurry to experience joblessness again, but it had its moments. I would love to take another walk with my wife and son, but tomorrow morning I will go to work.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEig5jHRYSTuDTjutXEX4qTeQd6uth1M1AVUdtukREcBT6vR37WEmdAIPazl6RMksAk4HPq3TpgWc8ufKV7EK9PBpUUW6CrSWl9Eeo0tdq04PRbOZfQR2ISVmnijHg3PM3d7ZV2_n5aXMJA0/s1600/IMG_0938.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEig5jHRYSTuDTjutXEX4qTeQd6uth1M1AVUdtukREcBT6vR37WEmdAIPazl6RMksAk4HPq3TpgWc8ufKV7EK9PBpUUW6CrSWl9Eeo0tdq04PRbOZfQR2ISVmnijHg3PM3d7ZV2_n5aXMJA0/s320/IMG_0938.JPG" height="239" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04520739784791576184noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8722203587778134491.post-14182226063733915722013-01-23T23:22:00.000-06:002014-02-24T22:30:38.023-06:00The Best Accessory<span style="color: blue;">By Blake Friis</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
I don't have a great eye for fashion. I buy the shirt and tie combo on the department store mannequin and call it a day. If it’s good enough to display at Kohl’s, it’s good enough for a spot in my work/wedding/funeral rotation.<br />
<br />
I am not someone you would seek out for advice on accessorizing, but I picked up a piece last spring that has made ALL the difference. If you don’t already have a baby, you <i>must</i> get one. They go with everything and will genuinely change the way people look at you.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My go-to outfit of gym shorts, flip-flops, and a backwards baseball cap was rock solid, but there was gradual change in the way it was received beyond my mid-twenties. Many seemed to find it downright pathetic as I neared 30. I strategically paired the ensemble with an array of slow-pitch softball league runner-up T-shirts for gravitas, but the disapproval from the grown-up community intensified.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A baby wasn’t my first attempt to accessorize my way out of a sartorial shit storm. I wore a watch, but its impact fell short. I wore a cross necklace outside my shirt, thinking surely a man of faith would be given a pass on his choice in mere Earthly rags, but the pretentious dickwads didn’t budge. It looked like I was on the verge of retiring <i>college sophomore chic </i>for the world of khakis, button-downs, and styled hair, which would mean showering on Saturdays! If that’s growing up, consider me a Toys ‘R’ Us kid.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I got a Toys ‘R’ Us kid of my own the game changed dramatically.<o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
There are many great reasons to embark on the journey of parenthood. An uncharacteristically warm reception from the most judgmental people in the neighborhood is rarely listed among them, but it’s nice nonetheless. Some of the snootiest people I know are disarmingly pleasant when they see a baby in my arms.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
An adult wearing sweatpants while <i>not</i> purposely breaking a sweat is branded lazy. Sweatpants paired with a baby indicate an active parent far too busy and selfless to be burdened with wardrobe decisions. <i>Kudos for putting your children ahead of such superficial concerns, Stranger!</i><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_-yEHUHuK-6ZN39uNmHTbLOIEexTNCYpoWDsT8UxbNutTjL0u9Kjn-7vLIzchTMZVGYU31ewsEQnvOL2mkF6Aq6GxQlapGk9tnJlmMLUWhQPYkQ0yOdOlcFs4BraLQDi9xS4Ls9UOrPiy/s1600/A22ECD27-3799-4AC0-BDDD-BBE6EDBF91A3.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_-yEHUHuK-6ZN39uNmHTbLOIEexTNCYpoWDsT8UxbNutTjL0u9Kjn-7vLIzchTMZVGYU31ewsEQnvOL2mkF6Aq6GxQlapGk9tnJlmMLUWhQPYkQ0yOdOlcFs4BraLQDi9xS4Ls9UOrPiy/s320/A22ECD27-3799-4AC0-BDDD-BBE6EDBF91A3.JPG" height="320" width="238" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Many view a backwards baseball cap on a 30-year-old man as a sad dose of Peter Pan syndrome, unless the 30-year-old is holding a baby wearing the same backwards baseball cap. That shit is just adorable.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The best in human nature is on display when you carry a baby in public. Everyone you encounter sends good vibes and totally disregards the fact your outfits are not appropriate for your age – unless of course you are a woman, in which case the same people who pardon my Pensacola Hooters t-shirt with the armpit holes think you look a little skanky and wonder if the man you’re with is even the father of your child. Sorry, Ladies.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Babies have a quality unmatched in their adult counterparts; they are incapable of being assholes. Now, mathematically speaking, many of your children will surely grow up to be assholes, but in the baby stage they possess a blank canvas quality that seems to bring out the best in people. Perhaps it is the inherent innocence or the endless possibility for a brighter future. That’s a little deep. It’s probably because babies have cute cheeks and “wook so ado-uh-bull in dare wittle hat”. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If you question society’s capacity for warmth and goodwill, I offer the same recommendation as if you requested feedback on your acid-washed jeans and a Who Farted T-shirt: you need a baby.</div>
<!--EndFragment-->Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04520739784791576184noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8722203587778134491.post-37703389695774017852013-01-18T00:14:00.001-06:002014-02-24T23:04:12.154-06:00Fatigue and Cheerios<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<!--StartFragment-->
<br />
<h4>
<span style="color: blue;">By Blake Friis</span></h4>
Anyone who has been in great shape, only to cease working
out for several weeks, understands the fragile nature of human conditioning.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Months of weekends alone with our baby should
have prepared me for my wife’s three-night vacation. Summer
attended clinical nurse training at the hospital every weekend throughout the
fall. My confidence as a parent grew. I became completely comfortable bathing a
baby and never missed a feeding, regardless of how much great football was on
television.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When my in-laws invited Summer to join them for a weekend in Reno it seemed like a no-brainer. Of course I could man the fort while she
was gone. I’d done it 12 consecutive weekends. You’re
dealing with a pro here.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Have you ever jogged on a treadmill after a period of laziness?
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You approach it like nothing has changed, until you look down
and see you’ve run just .24 miles and question the machine’s ability to
gauge distance. And are these the same shoes you ran
in last? And for Christ’s
sake, why can’t you find the right song on your iPod? Better step to the side
rails and scroll through your library.<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
With Summer home for the holidays, our routine has been broken and my independent parent swagger has been shelved. I am only as responsible and ambitious as circumstances dictate. Give me the opportunity to kick my feet up and where do my feet go without hesitation? Up.<br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtj3wWghg6Ok2hr7PSkYxDgQ4APNW13BfNu5Lic1psyr5AWkKT09ZIdjCgWboMtxYgeHukLGw08h5Jux2ajbZPpOmFT15BohgLHh5-Ft0mByREuTXEcxfne8T9GQIYmetFWdm1S8tBWlFM/s1600/09457D81-DBF0-45A1-B4F4-007A9EEBED6F.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtj3wWghg6Ok2hr7PSkYxDgQ4APNW13BfNu5Lic1psyr5AWkKT09ZIdjCgWboMtxYgeHukLGw08h5Jux2ajbZPpOmFT15BohgLHh5-Ft0mByREuTXEcxfne8T9GQIYmetFWdm1S8tBWlFM/s320/09457D81-DBF0-45A1-B4F4-007A9EEBED6F.JPG" height="320" width="239" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Dad, I'm trapped. Call Mom.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
When Gabe and I took Summer to the airport – I
drove, he just sat there and didn’t even offer a dollar for the toll – I
realized my parenting legs had grown a little heavier than I thought over
winter break.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I narrowly avoided an accident on the way home from the
airport, a classic Dallas highway encounter. One driver slams on the brakes
causing a chain reaction that ends with a speeding truck skidding toward me
before swerving into the median to avoid a pile-up. I attempt to sooth Gabe, who
woke up amidst the commotion. He cried for the remaining 30 minutes of our
drive, making it feel like two hours. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Summer hadn’t made it through airport security and I was already
counting down the hours until her return.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The first workout after a layoff can be brutal, but it
doesn’t take long for your body to wake up and get back in the groove. I found
my rhythm in the cereal aisle. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Growing up with three brothers, all cereal enthusiasts with
healthy appetites, I became all too familiar with generic cereal. It hurts my
heart to see my son learning to eat solid food with Toasted O’s, even if it makes
economic sense and he doesn’t know the difference. I threw down an extra $0.79
for Cheerios and set the tone for the rest of the weekend. We may miss the
occasional bath when Dad is in charge, but we smile like idiots and eat like
kings.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
By the time Summer returned I was in such great parenting
shape I could have easily handled another couple days. It’s amazing what you
can accomplish with a little conditioning and name brand cereal.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWuQSGPW0TrPVoGVCnNHDVc4dS_PTzRd1JhgZTGaI_FkOCBtyb5nMkiekHFFCuyMYlQxG5RfRe6GI9as3Ypv_INQZE1R4zb1LGiWJC1k1gWoVMjWHHUbT9ZbE0n4GXqGPXJ2PxgK4nxWmp/s1600/CF53806D-1D89-492A-BF1A-AB78654E1B01.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWuQSGPW0TrPVoGVCnNHDVc4dS_PTzRd1JhgZTGaI_FkOCBtyb5nMkiekHFFCuyMYlQxG5RfRe6GI9as3Ypv_INQZE1R4zb1LGiWJC1k1gWoVMjWHHUbT9ZbE0n4GXqGPXJ2PxgK4nxWmp/s320/CF53806D-1D89-492A-BF1A-AB78654E1B01.JPG" height="320" width="239" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Never going back to Toasted O's</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04520739784791576184noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8722203587778134491.post-3069503924944124142013-01-12T03:36:00.000-06:002013-02-17T22:04:07.478-06:00No Vacation, No Problem<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<h4>
<span style="color: blue;">By Blake Friis</span></h4>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Snowshoeing up a Colorado mountain was just as miserable as
I believed it would be when my wife suggested it. Hundreds of people having the
time of their lives flew downhill, many taking the time to inform us we were
going the wrong way.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was making the best of a “ski” trip with my wife, who had
been pregnant for six months and had non-refundable tickets in her possession
for seven, so I laughed and nodded instead of telling each unoriginal yuppie to
eat shit and die.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A vacation planned on the strength of skiing, alcohol, and
hot tubbing is substantially marginalized when one of the participants becomes
pregnant, but we made the best of it and managed to enjoy ourselves. We looked
ahead to the following year and thought the trip would serve as a nice getaway
during our first year of parenthood.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Our friends made the annual trip to Steamboat this week. Our
participation was limited to “Liking” their pictures on Facebook.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As parents, we love to go on about the greatness of
parenthood – the journey, the joy, the legacy. Less common are discussions on
the cost of parenthood. The cost of this miracle is freedom. At the very least,
freedom is a relative term with children.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Every single day I look at my son and can’t believe he’s
mine, but there are days I also think it would be nice take my wife out
to dinner without having to pack a diaper bag. We no longer have the luxury of
going to a movie on a random Tuesday night or eating at a restaurant where it's frowned upon to leave a wake of crackers and cheerios on the floor by your table.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
No recreational activity or extra hour of sleep on
the weekend can match the wonder of an average day with my son, but there
are moments when even the most engaged father longs for the freedom to strap clunky
snowshoes to his feet and trudge his fat ass up a mountain to the amusement of
wealthy skiers and their turtlenecks.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As our friends were skiing we realized something amazing;
every day with our 9 month-old has a vacation-like quality. Watching my son
meticulously pull everything out of his toy box until he finds his green maraca
has become our mountain sunset. Chasing him from room to room has become our snowshoeing. Thank God.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There are times I miss certain elements of life before parenthood,
and I don’t think there is any shame in admitting it. We don’t have the freedom
to take off on a whim, whether it’s for sushi on a Wednesday or a weekend out
of town. We haven’t been to a concert or movie since Gabe was born.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What we have done is much more fulfilling.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzrVhOuUy-hPzzPB9LDyN0cAgrgnP_Ezh3d0oVi0iRVn5xQveOuEPyhxENSsDatEPq9VFUSOn1TKYQL9jUHPBTg5FZYL4zwYWD7knMEmN_bcL0yNUUlaPLaf6iErYaHpIC14sGNsRVDHoY/s1600/A7650CEA-9C5A-4DCD-9028-AD43CE471174.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzrVhOuUy-hPzzPB9LDyN0cAgrgnP_Ezh3d0oVi0iRVn5xQveOuEPyhxENSsDatEPq9VFUSOn1TKYQL9jUHPBTg5FZYL4zwYWD7knMEmN_bcL0yNUUlaPLaf6iErYaHpIC14sGNsRVDHoY/s320/A7650CEA-9C5A-4DCD-9028-AD43CE471174.JPG" width="238" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The Dark Knight Rises would have been better on IMAX than on
our television, but we couldn’t get to the theater. On the other hand, no form
of entertainment could possibly match the freedom to spend an afternoon helping
Gabe get the hang of the Batman cart he got for Christmas.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Freedom</i> is a relative term. So is <i>Luck</i>. We have sacrificed
a lot of freedom over the last nine months. I have no idea how we got so lucky.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04520739784791576184noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8722203587778134491.post-88856687612659064002013-01-08T02:11:00.000-06:002014-07-06T21:50:55.335-05:00The Dreams Team<h4>
<span style="color: blue;">By Blake Friis</span></h4>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">My favorite piece of business advice is also great relationship advice: don’t make decisions or enter into partnerships for financial reasons. Follow your heart and surround yourself with positive people, and money will work itself out.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">In some parts of the world the term “breadwinner” carries with it a certain panache, which I’m sure applies to many in that role.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">My wife will be a nurse soon and we will become a two-income household, but for now I am climbing the corporate ladder while my wife stays home with the baby and takes online courses. And by “climbing the corporate ladder” I mean sitting in a florescent cube farm answering email and bouncing from meeting to meeting until the coffee runs out.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">In some parts of the world the term “stay at home mom” carries with it the preconceived notion of book clubs and yoga pants, which I’m sure applies to some in that role.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">My wife chases a very mobile 9-month-old around the house and attempts to study during the fleeting moments of solitude. Most of her academic responsibilities are fulfilled after I return home. This means her days are twice as long and intense as mine and few recognize the incredible grace with which she accomplishes this largely thankless routine.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Because we have a mortgage and my comparative comfort cruise is rewarded a paycheck, the outside world recognizes me as the family breadwinner. The outside world is not technically wrong, but the title couldn’t be more irrelevant.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Bread is not the working currency in our home. A strength of our marriage is our collaborative process for pursuing our individual dreams. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">People who are unattached can invest entirely in their dreams and operate with a singular focus that borders on selfishness. Selfishness is not always a bad thing. In fact, it can be the most efficient path to achieving ones goals.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Parenthood tends to have a sobering effect on people, and not just because they can no longer afford to go to the bar. Being a great parent requires a healthy dose of selflessness and dreams are difficult to rundown without the ability to exercise a little selfishness.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0BBCMGr4_r-Il0khQUbC3yj0E8PO4Swi0zhpFkB0GocSUnLOUhYWNTzSYO1FlLpySg_LHAlbn6kXAmQ872nPQmvpuwstW1RcTr49LEL2jFVItZccOswVGqcFqMBpgkQLEDwOlgcI_NdmZ/s1600/DSC01243.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0BBCMGr4_r-Il0khQUbC3yj0E8PO4Swi0zhpFkB0GocSUnLOUhYWNTzSYO1FlLpySg_LHAlbn6kXAmQ872nPQmvpuwstW1RcTr49LEL2jFVItZccOswVGqcFqMBpgkQLEDwOlgcI_NdmZ/s320/DSC01243.JPG" height="212" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">If my wife and I checked our professional dreams at the parenthood door and made career decisions based on money, we’d have unfulfilling jobs and buy crap we don’t need to deal with the day-to-day unhappiness. Instead we made an agreement to support each other in the pursuit of our dreams. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Summer’s desire to go back to school and become a nurse required a commitment that works best with a spouse who has the ability to build their schedule around the demands of the program. I become a situational stay-at-home dad as she sacrifices her nights and weekends. I am an active participant in the process and I feel pride when she succeeds.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">When I told Summer I wanted to leave my sales job for a less lucrative opportunity in line with my desire to write for a living, she was completely supportive. She doesn’t love that I am on my laptop as soon as our son is asleep, but she understands. She pitches me so many book ideas you’d think she was my literary agent.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">There are things we can’t afford and things we have to do without, but those are just things. We are working towards our goals and doing so without depriving our son of the most valuable resource we have – our time. Whether or not we achieve our dreams is not as important as the example we’ll set for our son by never giving up on them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Having a family requires sacrifice, but that sacrifice doesn’t require abandoning what you want to be when you grow up.</span></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04520739784791576184noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8722203587778134491.post-5819627901557542782013-01-02T00:14:00.001-06:002013-01-02T00:15:40.271-06:00Who's Afraid of a Little Leaf?<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<h4>
<span style="color: #3d85c6;">By Blake Friis</span></h4>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Not all lies and misrepresentations are created equal. When my
8-month-old son attempted to swallow a random object he found on our living
room floor, I held him with a steady hand and spoke in a calm and deliberate
cadence to my wife as she identified the object in the back of his throat as a
leaf. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Of all the things to give new parents their very first choking
scare, ours was a goddamn leaf, probably carried in on one of our shoes. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My wife’s second and third attempts to sweep the leaf out
with her finger failed and Gabe vomited in a way I hadn’t seen from him, and
haven’t since. At this point I could have won an Oscar for my portrayal as a
calm and confident father. Inside, I was scared shitless and could hardly move,
but the character I was playing – this “Dad” who is more believable in print – would never get
rattled in front of his son.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Should you find yourself in a similar situation – your child
chokes and the only useful ability you possess is bullshitting those around you
in hopes your soothing disposition facilitates the appropriate action – I pray
you are also married to a nurse. Summer was amazing; she persevered through the
failed finger sweeps and heartbreaking vomit, grabbed a pen light, tongue
depressor, sterilized tweezers and calmly removed the leaf in no time.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And scene.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The moment Summer pulled the leaf from Gabe’s mouth he
flashed his giant, toothless open-mouth smile, as though seconds earlier he had
<i>not</i> projectile vomited spaghetti-flavored baby food onto my chest as his body
fought the foreign object stuck in his throat. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I, on the other hand, dropped
the tough guy act, sat down and cried.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMVPbPYiB5iWK1kC30GcrxGDlsDLOqvhfcN8ZSTXTk_K6C55cqnkW0gFQ7hz5HKzgtIMb6H32ICbHFkWVMk5f332flNaSO5Ilhi6cUdU78oChImcHuQq1PkS4oLeRyDeDm462WJRDEbJ3b/s1600/IMG_0867.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMVPbPYiB5iWK1kC30GcrxGDlsDLOqvhfcN8ZSTXTk_K6C55cqnkW0gFQ7hz5HKzgtIMb6H32ICbHFkWVMk5f332flNaSO5Ilhi6cUdU78oChImcHuQq1PkS4oLeRyDeDm462WJRDEbJ3b/s320/IMG_0867.jpg" width="239" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It's all good, Daddy</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Maybe it was the feeling of helplessness or the fear. Maybe
it was all the news coverage of murdered children finally hitting me through a
tangible example of what losing my own son might look like. These emotions hit
me the second I realized Gabe was in danger. Holding it in and covering with
false bravado in the moment, only seemed to elevate the degree to which it poured
out after the fact.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So, why fake it?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Certain childhood memories impact actions in parenthood.
Not in the sense they shape you and subconsciously impact your behavior,
but in ways so profound you process the memory in real-time with your mind
racing in the face of adversity. The most terrifying thing in childhood is
identifying fear in a parent.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As my son began to choke, the best help I could offer was to
conceal my fear and tell what I hoped would not turn out to be a total lie.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>“It’s going to be
okay.”</i><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When the close call ended, along with my inclination to keep
up the façade, Summer was surprised by how rattled I became. She tried to pick me up by saying my demeanor
helped her remain calm and she couldn’t have done it without me.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Not all lies and misrepresentations are created equal. Hers
immediately made me feel better about myself.<o:p></o:p></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04520739784791576184noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8722203587778134491.post-28445771807235694442013-01-01T03:31:00.000-06:002013-01-01T10:59:33.998-06:00New Year, New Challenges<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
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<h4>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">By Blake Friis</span></h4>
<span style="font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">My wife and I sat in front of the television on
New Years Eve, wearing sweatpants and watching Angela from The Office lead throngs of
freezing people through an uncomfortable rendition of Gangnam Style.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">And so ended the greatest year of my life.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">I spend more time looking ahead than
reflecting on the past. This used to be necessity rather than strategy. I
didn’t make great decisions in early adulthood, and as a result looking back
created a lot of regret.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">The last several years have been a different
story.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Each year since I met my wife has been the
best year of my life. I know that sounds like the kind of sappy horseshit
teenagers post on their Facebook page, but it’s true. I keep waiting for the other
shoe to drop, but we’ve stacked one major life event after another – <i>2009: met my future wife and graduated;
2010: moved to Dallas, got a job, got engaged; 2011: married and pregnant (in
that order!); 2012: bought a house and welcomed our son into the world.</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkxXa1tYSQhmG6auyfJh1llRCEEkr43Y6OlWslQscSWiuQk_g_LSiU6CG__vQmkGZD_wlDmrGdNdMsK7npnXD6KR4NdEeeDjFo0XYfTGbwl2o4M42oasV-eF3tTXn6r-mSv_P9D8plfa5b/s1600/IMG_0920.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkxXa1tYSQhmG6auyfJh1llRCEEkr43Y6OlWslQscSWiuQk_g_LSiU6CG__vQmkGZD_wlDmrGdNdMsK7npnXD6KR4NdEeeDjFo0XYfTGbwl2o4M42oasV-eF3tTXn6r-mSv_P9D8plfa5b/s320/IMG_0920.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Good-Bye 2012, Hello 2013</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">As my wife fell asleep on the couch well before midnight and an unlikely pop sensation from South Korea took center stage in
Time Square, I began to look ahead to 2013. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">It is entirely unlikely we will experience
another major life event this year, and that is strangely unsettling. This year we have to
focus on micro-level challenges, like making sure our son is wearing pants
when we put him to bed so he can’t remove his own diaper and throw a one-person
pee circus in his crib.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Weddings and births are amazing experiences,
but they are easy compared to real life. Nobody sends a “Congratulations
for Not Letting Your Son Recreate the Bellagio Fountain Show with his Penis”
card.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">This is shaping up to be a year of little
fanfare, a year of trying desperately to excel as a father or husband each day. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">It is difficult to imagine a more exciting
and fulfilling year than 2012, but I look forward to the challenge.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04520739784791576184noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8722203587778134491.post-57856797679361805272012-12-27T23:47:00.000-06:002014-10-04T22:55:28.931-05:00The Highs and Lows of Holiday Travel<h4>
<span style="color: blue;">By Blake Friis</span></h4>
<br />
It's midnight in the middle of winter at the Kansas City airport. I am waiting for a rental car and singing <i>Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star</i> to an understandably pissed off 8-month-old. The reality of traveling with a baby is falling short of the cautious optimism I carried into the trip.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOYswMudQY6BanX21-3j2abt_iZf2cpjtxhm2hYRKmS5w4EP0UAUbnXeKcImUfgSaQ5r743-f31QuzBfpzQFE9GYZljgkCmHZKD8cvkYXILZ4-55fd4g4M8HD9VxgkdnaWZn5I_4ibqIrW/s1600/Gabe+Plane+II.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOYswMudQY6BanX21-3j2abt_iZf2cpjtxhm2hYRKmS5w4EP0UAUbnXeKcImUfgSaQ5r743-f31QuzBfpzQFE9GYZljgkCmHZKD8cvkYXILZ4-55fd4g4M8HD9VxgkdnaWZn5I_4ibqIrW/s1600/Gabe+Plane+II.jpg" height="320" width="239" /></a></div>
Traveling 850 miles to create timeless family memories begins with a question void of Christmas cheer: <i>which mode of transportation will make me want to kill myself least</i>?<br />
<br />
Driving offers the freedom to dictate pace and keeps the misery private when the junior member of the operation decides being confined to a car seat for 12 hours is a crock of shit. Babies throw massive fits over the course of a drive, but a 30-minute cool-down stroll through an Oklahoma Wal-Mart during the holidays provides all the motivation one needs to get back in the saddle and carry on to greener pastures.<br />
<br />
The downside of the road is it’s a boring beat down. A family road trip is like the drive-home from Spring Break. Everyone is tired, irritable, and hopes the smelly loudmouth in the backseat doesn't puke.<br />
<br />
That’s why we choose to shell out a few extra bucks to fly. But the friendly skies are not without their own set of challenges.<br />
<br />
Driving is a battle of attrition, but flying has an unmatched ceiling for potential chaos. Airport security, cramped airplane restrooms, and ear-popping changes in elevation prove humans were never meant to fly. Challenging the laws of nature with a child in tow is especially egregious.<br />
<br />
One year ago, in the Minneapolis airport, we shared a laugh at the expense of a couple struggling through the terminal with a young child and all the baggage – physical and emotional – required to travel anywhere with young children. Approximately 364 days later, we laughed at ourselves, despite not finding the situation particularly funny. We had become the overwhelmed couple in the airport with sore shoulders short fuses.<br />
<br />
Looking over my shoulder from the boarding line, I was relieved to see a dozen other families with small children. There is comfort in a theoretical blanket of anonymity, but that is contingent on each baby having about the same lung capacity.<br />
<br />
For most of his first flight, my son was a trooper. He charmed the grandfather-to-be sitting next to us and endeared himself to the high school English teacher sitting behind us. With the exception of the man in front of us, whose hair he attempted to grab on more than one occasion and whose seat he took great joy in kicking, everyone in our section observed his happy disposition and returned his smiles.<br />
<br />
Then our plane began its descent. That’s when the levy broke.<br />
<br />
For the final 15 minutes of our flight, my son managed to transfer the pain in his ears to the ears of all the friends he made over the previous 45 minutes. He wasn't the only child to dial up a good freak out on the flight, but his was by far the most powerful.<br />
<br />
I don't know if it was general understanding or holiday spirit, but the people on our flight could not have been more understanding and supportive as we struggled.<br />
<br />
There is no perfect way to cover 850 miles with a young child, but the experience can be surprisingly fulfilling. We met some great people on our trip that we never would have encountered before parenthood.<br />
<br />
When childless couples with one piece of luggage laugh at us in all their beautiful, well-rested glory, we smile and nod. They’ll appreciate the smile more than they know one day, when an inconsolable little maniac with hurting ears makes them feel like <i>those</i> parents.<br />
<br />
Turns out we’re all <i>those</i> parents.<br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04520739784791576184noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8722203587778134491.post-91894753791876455902012-12-18T01:27:00.002-06:002014-07-30T23:05:14.701-05:00Man's (Actual) Best Friend<h4>
<span style="color: blue;">By Blake Friis</span></h4>
<br />
I knew one thing for certain as I drove 90 miles per hour down the home stretch of a six-hour drive from Dallas to Emporia, Kansas – we didn't come all this way to eat lunch at Braum’s.<br />
<br />
So, we exited the turnpike and pulled into Applebee’s.<br />
<br />
I don’t make a habit of rising before the sun on Saturday and loading my family into the car for a six-hour drive to lunch at a franchise restaurant; It just so happens the Emporia Applebee’s marks the halfway point between our home in Texas and my parents’ in Iowa, which makes it the ideal meeting place when the health of a marriage requires unloading the family dog on one's folks.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLMo7YBI8NQMjDiyABGrC01i7YJv7Ns_ZXlxhK8YMUpW7DT073QuPiPPvKR63yIWUk0pQZMkFUrDH9bFLQttA5P1B0G7MS7DQ3nEyr9xJiyKYRTKCfRp6xxAnZ5t0F8CrhEePPA50PEYbE/s1600/emporia.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLMo7YBI8NQMjDiyABGrC01i7YJv7Ns_ZXlxhK8YMUpW7DT073QuPiPPvKR63yIWUk0pQZMkFUrDH9bFLQttA5P1B0G7MS7DQ3nEyr9xJiyKYRTKCfRp6xxAnZ5t0F8CrhEePPA50PEYbE/s320/emporia.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Welcome to Emporia</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
There have been few contentious arguments in our 19 months of wedded bliss – which is to say I fold like a lawn chair in the face of potential unpleasantness.<br />
<br />
We budget items <i>we</i> can comfortably live without. Last week we discussed the necessity of cable television and my iPhone – we both have iPhones, but only mine seemed a frivolous expense. We have since decided since my company offers a fitness center to both of us, the cancellation of our current gym memberships will free up enough discretionary income to justify keeping the cable. It is, of course, pure coincidence this decision coincided with my wife’s newfound love of true-life murder mysteries on the cable network ID.<br />
<br />
My wife is like a great runner in baseball. She can steal a base at any time, and my defensive approach is let her go and casually toss the ball back to the pitcher, feeling I am better off dealing with the next batter. That's our marriage - aggressive baserunning against defensive indifference.<br />
<br />
As her desire to live in a dog-free house intensified, however, I continued to step off the mound and look her back to the bag. Knowing my success rate, it was critical I never let getting rid of Elvis escalate past hypothetical chit-chat.<br />
<br />
Shortly after Gabe was born, I wrote about <a href="http://greenbeansandwhiskey.blogspot.com/2012/05/mans-best-friend.html" target="_blank">the battle raging inside our home between my wife and our boxer</a>, Elvis. My desire for our son to grow up in a household with a great pet lead me to dig in my heels on Elvis’s potential relocation.<br />
<br />
The more we failed as dog owners, the more Elvis stated his displeasure by destroying everything in his path. I tried to take him for more walks, but my efforts proved futile. Summer’s patience was wearing thin.<br />
<br />
It was only a matter of time until she broke for second base. I tried to throw her out this time, but Elvis intercepted the ball and chewed it to shit, just like every other goddamn thing in the house.<br />
<br />
Still, when we handed Elvis over to my parents it was just as sad as I imagined it would be. I couldn't help but feel like I'd let him down and deprived my son of the opportunity to grow up with the unique bond a boy shares with his first dog. This guilt and regret were difficult to deal with. I was nearly half-way through the potato skins on the appetizer sampler before I was able to shake it.<br />
<br />
In the weeks since Elvis moved to the farm – a real one, not the one in finger quotes where many children are told their castoff pets run happy and free – our life has been exponentially better. We never come home to a disaster in the kitchen, our patio doesn’t smell like a boarding kennel, and we don’t have to fear Gabe being injured by the paw of a well-intentioned, but dangerously hyper 60lb dog.<br />
<br />
Thank goodness I never get to make the big decisions.<br />
<br />
It turns out Man’s best friend is actually a happy wife.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Later, Buddy</td></tr>
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04520739784791576184noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8722203587778134491.post-32625785876620096752012-12-06T01:15:00.000-06:002014-09-24T22:26:33.583-05:00Children and Profanity<h3>
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<span style="color: #3d85c6;">By Blake Friis</span></h4>
<br />
Parenthood is loaded with challenges. There are daily struggles of diapers and feeding, and long term worries about the changing world and how to equip a child to survive, let alone thrive in it.<br />
<br />
But what concerns me most is that I can’t seem to stop saying ‘fuck’ in front of my son.<br />
<br />
He is a verbal sponge and I know I am in danger of creating the most foul-mouthed parrot ever to roam the Greater Dallas daycare scene, but the more I attempt to reel myself in, the more the goddamn Bears blow consecutive leads at home to Pete-Scumbag-Carroll and the Seattle-Fucking-Seahawks.<br />
<br />
Sometimes it feels like the world is conspiring against you. Actually, most of the time when you root for Chicago sports teams.<br />
<br />
Parenthood is also loaded with lessons, and you never know where they are going to come from. When a couple kids from the neighborhood knocked on our door Sunday afternoon and asked if they could play with Gabe, I gained a whole new perspective on the value of squashing my free-cursing nature.<br />
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The dynamic of a suburban neighborhood is not a complicated. There are adults and there are kids, and if you can only befriend one, choose the kids. They’re a pleasant source of entertainment, and more importantly, very forthcoming with the dirty laundry of neighborhood grown-ups.<br />
<br />
As the sweet little girl from down the street launched into an unprovoked monologue about her parents’ delinquent rent payments, I realized we are not dealing with parrots, we’re dealing with little journalists who unapologetically report “off the record” observations.<br />
<br />
I no longer fear the words my child might<i> repeat</i>; I fear the things he might <i>report</i>.<br />
<br />
Because we are the youngest couple on the block, and because every little girl on the block wants to be Summer when they grow up, our house has become a relatively high-traffic area. The annoyance of other people’s children hanging around would be trying if they weren’t so damn good at inflating our egos.<br />
<br />
<i>“Blake, can you teach me how to make the football spiral like that?”</i><br />
<i>“Summer, I knew you were good at sports because you’re skinny and you run a lot.”</i><br />
<br />
They should run for office. I would literally vote for them tomorrow.<br />
<br />
The compliments took on a new meaning when they shifted from our athletic prowess to the vibe within our home. The kids were quick to acknowledge how laid back we are and how well we seem to get along, which is apparently not always the case with their folks. One kid talked about hearing her parents fight over money. Another discussed his concern with the age gap between his dad and stepmother, a viewpoint that – given his age – has almost assuredly been cultivated by his mother.<br />
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The inside scoop on the neighbors personal business is definitely the kind of stuff you would like to unhear, but the kids spilling the beans have no idea they are crossing a line. We find ourselves uncomfortably attempting to steer them back to the story about their older brother pissing his pants while watching the SEC Championship.<br />
<br />
Dropping F-bombs in the presence of my son was something I decided I better work on. After learning how openly kids talk about their parents, good or bad, I am scaling those efforts well beyond cursing. The adult issues we deal with have to remain between adults, so our kids can enjoy being kids.<br />
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Parenthood is loaded with heavy shit like that.<br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04520739784791576184noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8722203587778134491.post-74713660726952106492012-11-30T01:07:00.001-06:002012-12-08T22:19:44.832-06:00Distance Makes The Heart Grow Fonder<h4>
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #0b5394;">By Blake Friis</span></span></h4>
<br />
It turns out distance – and a lovely salmon dinner interrupted by an intensifying fire in the vicinity of your wood deck – <i>can</i> make the heart grow fonder.<br />
<br />
My mother-in-law swears salt is a highly effective tool for combating small grease fires. At her urging, I threw a tremendous amount of it at the camping grill on our patio while the flames rose higher and the fire grew hotter and, I swear to God, laughed at me. When the salt remedy – or possibly my mother-in-law’s elaborate attempt to murder me – failed, my father-in-law grabbed an extinguisher and put out the fire; not in time to save the grill, but at least before the flames teamed up with the propane tank to royally fuck up Thanksgiving.<br />
<br />
Standing over the smoldering mass of hot metal and melted plastic covered in a uniquely soothing layer of white fire extinguisher residue, I couldn’t help but think about what else I’d be willing to light on fire to create more moments like this. <br />
<br />
Memorable moments are at a premium when you live 800 miles from your parents.<br />
<br />
We moved from Iowa to Dallas for a lot of reasons, not the least of which was the burning desire to no longer live in Iowa. It is this mentality that leads so many people away from their small towns for a dose of big city living, only to return to the previously taken-for-granted comforts of home. I knew this when we visited Dallas for a week and returned with a lease. I knew the seemingly impulsive nature of our move set the over/under for our time in Texas at one year with heavy weight on the under.<br />
<br />
Despite professional advancements and a renewed personal happiness, several family members continued to believe the move was temporary. The belief was that we would move closer to home when we decided to start a family. <br />
<br />
That might have been the case if our only reason for moving was an entertaining change of pace, but there was more to it than that.<br />
<br />
Moving was not about proving something to myself or anyone else, it was about finding a place that allowed me to become the person I had been unable to become in my hometown. As I drove the moving truck out of town, I didn’t know if Texas was going to be the long-term answer, but I knew, based on 26 years of trial and (mostly) error, the Iowa chapter of my life would remain in the rearview mirror.<br />
<br />
The better things have gone in Texas, the easier it has been to detach from Iowa. Texas has become home and Iowa is the place our parents live. We go back for Christmas and try to make it sometime in the summer as well. And that feels like plenty for us, but having a child complicates the matter. <br />
<br />
The theory of quality over quantity was on display while we watched my in-laws interact with Gabe for an entire week – with the exception of the 15 minutes spent dueling with a three-alarm grease fire – over Thanksgiving.<br />
<br />
Our parents are going to miss certain parts of their grandson growing up, and that is unfortunate. We are going to have limited opportunities to utilize their inherent babysitting and diaper changing abilities, and that is absolutely tragic. But the moments we are able to spend together are twice as meaningful, and that is a unique blessing.<br />
<br />
Many people in my position end up moving home with a new appreciation for the life they once took for granted. I am creating a home with an enhanced appreciation for life’s little moments, and I don’t dare take that for granted.<br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04520739784791576184noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8722203587778134491.post-5309966091904345892012-11-14T01:37:00.002-06:002014-07-28T23:48:26.570-05:00Killing Time The Target Way<br />
I will be pushing a stroller through Target on Saturday morning. Every Saturday. You can set your watch to it.<br />
<br />
With my wife out of town for her nursing program, I am not just responsible for making sure our son lives through each weekend – though it is a minor detail of some importance. For two days each week I have the unenviable task of finding a baby-appropriate activity to get out of the house and avoid going batshit crazy.<br />
<br />
There are numerous places a man can play househusband. Parks are especially effective. A walk through the park says, “A healthy lifestyle is important to me and I wish to pass that on to my son, whose development I take very seriously, which is why I coordinated his outfit with this very expensive jogging stroller.”<br />
<br />
Unfortunately, I break a sweat changing diapers in my air-conditioned living room. The park is out.<br />
<br />
I own a jogging stroller like the park crowd, and I actually use it. The big tires and performance suspension are perfect for cutting across neighborhood yards on my way to the corner store. I could stick to sidewalks and add 100 yards or so to the half-mile walk, but that seems like a lot of work for a six pack of beer.<br />
<br />
While parks hold a branding edge among time-killing activities, I find nothing matches the enjoyment of wandering around Target. Having a baby creates an infinite list of things you need and things you don’t, but can justify anyway. For an unsupervised father with frivolous spending habits, the latter can lead to some dangerous conversations with the missus. When my wife comes home physically and emotionally drained from a shift at the hospital in which she watched a patient take their last breath, she struggles to understand why the baby did, in fact, need a regulation size basketball and a Nerf sword.<br />
<br />
"I watched a man die today, I don't need this shit!"<br />
"You're right. Let's put a pin in this discussion and go to Target, they have a foot massager that I think we can agree you've earned."<br />
<br />
And they do. I know this because after three months of leaving the house on Saturday mornings exclusively to purchase the materials for Gabe and I to survive the weekend – food, socks, Halloween masks, Mrs. Doubtfire on DVD, etc. – I have a tremendous feel for the place.<br />
<br />
It’s become our home away from home. And the sight of us waltzing up and down the aisles inspires a range of responses from our fellow shoppers, primarily women toting around a young child or two of their own. Target is like flypaper for us pretty suburbanites looking after the children while our goal-oriented spouses grind through the weekend.<br />
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When they see Gabe sitting in his stroller, calmly playing with a toy, they give an approving look, like I am a pair of yoga pants and a complicated Starbucks order away from being part of the club. As their eyes shifts from the stroller to my shopping basket, the looks become sympathetic. They see Hot Pockets, a six-pack of beer, and four Red Bulls and assume my wife upgraded to a man with abs and ambition, and the sweatpants-clad derelict before them is struggling through his weekend with the baby.<br />
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Save the sympathy for someone who needs it, Ladies. My marriage is great. And I have a brand new Nerf sword at home.<br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04520739784791576184noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8722203587778134491.post-36346078778707908692012-11-09T02:01:00.003-06:002014-07-30T23:11:22.578-05:00The Language of Idiot Dads<br />
It's Sunday morning and Gabe is sitting in what has to be a dirty diaper at this point, but the image of his previous blowout has me too grossed out and gun-shy confirm my suspicions. While he happily chews on a clean diaper his mother would have changed him into by now, I down a breakfast of Hershey Kisses and Pringles, wondering where the media gets off portraying the modern dad as a bumbling idiot.<br />
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The cavalcade of inept fathers depicted on television can be quite depressing. After being subjected to promo after promo for ‘Guys with Kids’ on NBC, I can’t help but wonder where capable fathers reside in the pop culture landscape.<br />
<br />
I play the role of single dad for 36 terrifying hours each week while Summer is at the hospital for clinical nurse training on the weekends. This arrangement gives me plenty of time to contemplate the state of fatherhood in America, especially since we’re up at 5 a.m. Well, we don’t actually get up, but that’s when I attempt to bribe the boy back to sleep with a bottle. He generally shows his appreciation by puking in my bed. I cover it up and allow him to act like nothing happened, because I’m one of those cool, relatable dads.<br />
<br />
Great parents appreciate the importance of forming good habits at a young age. A lack of adult supervision doesn’t mean the two of us are free to lie around eating garbage and being filthy. I drive that point home by feeding him a hearty breakfast of turkey and sweet potatoes – the building blocks for a future major league prospect.<br />
<br />
At a certain point it becomes critical for young children to get some rest. After contemplating bathing Gabe and changing him into clean clothes, I pass in favor of playing with every toy in the house and watching Lee Corso dance around the ESPN College Gameday set in full leprechaun garb. Then we watch the Iowa Hawkeyes attempt to play football. The traditional name for this activity is <i>nap time</i>.<br />
<br />
Okay, so maybe the media’s representation of the bumbling idiot father is not 100% fabrication, but it isn’t a completely fair example of art imitating life either.<br />
<br />
For most of us, parenting is like picking up a second language in adulthood. Taking classes and reading books can help you familiarize yourself with a foreign language, but every bilingual person will testify there is no substitute for immersion Sometimes you just have to go into a foreign country and figure out how to find the nearest bathroom. There are bound to be some confusing moments, but after pissing in a coat closet or two, you’ll pick up on signs and tendencies, and eventually fully understand the language and all that goes with it.<br />
<br />
The bumbling idiocy in fatherhood is not a destination, it’s the part of the journey in which some of us piss in a coat closet on our way to figuring out the language.<br />
<br />
But seriously, I’m pretty sure he’s sitting in shit. <br />
<br />
Summer will be home in 14 hours.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04520739784791576184noreply@blogger.com0